Hellooooooo. Anyone awake? I gotta go to the bathroom.
Like… RIGHT NOW…
Maybe if I whine a little bit, they will get the point. I’d wake them up myself but they have trapped me behind this gate.
She’s up. I hear her. Wait. What is she doing? Hellooooo, can’t a man get some respect over here? I’m going to pee my pants.
She notices me. Good morningggg! Can you let me outside so I can relieve myself? Much obliged.
Fresh air, finally. I’m going to pee on one of their bushes just to be spiteful. This will show her.
Alright, time for a backyard sweep. Any birds? Rabbits? No? Alright. I’ll mark a few spots to let them know who is the boss of this backyard.
Going to do a couple of fast laps, release some energy. Time for #2. This spot smells nice.
I watch her as she goes over to pick it up with a bright colored bag. Pretty gross, dude. Glad it’s not my job.
I’m going to race her to the back door. I’ll stand on the back stairs and wait for her to let me back in.
Cookie time! I did both #1 and #2, I deserve a cookie. And don’t be cheap with the cookies like you were last night. I deserve a couple of those round, cheese flavored ones. Yeah, those.
Wait, just one?! This is bullshit. I’ll remember that.
While you get ready for whatever it is your getting ready for, I’ll just play with my orange ball. I do this every morning and I know it drives her nuts.
Ugh, there it goes again, underneath the couch. I’ll scratch at the floor and whine until she gets the ball back for me.
Ugh, there it goes again, underneath the entertainment center. C’mon, I wanna play with the orange ball NOW.
Alright, I’m tired of this game. I’m going to lounge by the front door. It’s time to catch some rays and keep a neighborhood watch.
I see you Ginny, the Greyhound. I see you walking past my house every morning… taunting me… I’m going to bark just to let you know that I KNOW. And if I do see you outside, you will be sorry you were taunting me.
Same goes to you, Mr. Squirrel, perched on MY lawn, munching on your acorns. I’ve chased you down before, and I will chase you down again. Move it along.
She looks like she is getting ready to leave. I quickly sit in my corner of the living room, drooling over the thought of the peanut butter bone she is about to throw my way.
I hear the freezer open and close. It’s so close. I can smell it. My mouth is watering. I lay down. Thank you, lady, for this beautiful morning snack. I’ll see you when you return.